Hard wood polish, concrete basement aging walls, and ammonia mirror cleaner permeated my senses from the tender age of four until my legs stretched into the age of 12. The art and beauty of music, mixed with me senses to fill my life with dance. Poise, balance and classical appreciation taught me the fine and delicate beauty of ballet.
The expanse of mirror covered the entire wall. Each ballerina sat on the bench with one foot perched on the wooden seat, lacing her slippers, while the other leg dangled to hold her balance until she switched feet and laces. I waited every week for this day to arrive. Today, that same room would be so tiny and restricting, but the eyes and mind of a child, especially in an element where her soul is learning the true art of beauty ~ The walls disappear.
First position. Second position. Plie’. Passe’.
Poise. Balance. Posture and sweeping motions are etched into my memories as we took our position at the barre’. A perfect bun neatly piled and twirled into pink on top of our heads, and the alignment of our heads, hands, fingers and toes to sync together in the grand shiny mirror.
Out of practice today, my ballet and my appearance barely resemble this inner-ballerina. I still have my pointe shoes, and a tiny recital costume packed neatly into tissue paper in my hope chest. The songs and the discipline of ballet are embed into my memory and is continually jogged by music and by the basic rhythms of life.
The beauty in the dance I re-live every day with my daughters reminds me of the discipline, balance and posture required to make an amazing artist.
The mother daughter dance is a process. When their tiny toes begin to take unsteady steps, we are the barre’ that gives them balance. We step up willingly and guide them by the hand. The warm-up stage.
The next thing we know, the ballet shoes are three sizes too small, and the new price tag for the dance causes us to shift uncomfortably. Doubting the investment. This is the nature of the dance. The free-spirited, dancing and singing princess is turning into a pensive, self-aware beauty, and the awkward moves of the past have become more deliberate and purposeful.
Mothers dance with their daughters every day in a dance called life. Little feet and minds that need our steady hand and the advice.
When the day arrives that they position their hands on the barre’ before the mirror and they are older, growing, wondering and have more questions than what they have learned – they may not ask us for the answers.
The dance is about the steps. Not about the performance. When I realized that my daughters need to see my faulty moves and know that it is ok to make mistakes, I let go of the barre that I was holding too high.
Often, there are days where I can feel we are in sync together. Our conversations are easy, and their choices, words and actions seem to fall into an easy rhythm of a mother daughter relationship.
Other days, I feel as if there is a wall of resistance. We run into one another at every turn, our words are misunderstood and the frustrations mounts as we don’t seem to see eye to eye.
In the end ~ every day is a practice run. A swirling of emotions, body language and learning how to be mother and daughter.
Remembering the most important memory of my ballet years, was the lesson I learned from the very beginning. Keep your eyes on the teacher. Follow her steps, her lead and her graceful moves. Allow our dance to mimic hers.
Every day I am turning to Jesus for those instructions. How to act. How to react. When to talk and when to be quiet. How to relate and how to lead.
The Mother Daughter dance is a work in progress. Until the day we step away from the barre’ and allow them to take the floor on their own, toes stepped on, we will exchange words of misunderstanding and not so graceful moves on our part.
My toes are tender, yet have been tread upon many times with seven daughters in my home. My tongue has been harnessed with self-control and loosed with regret. I have danced for years and every time a new routine comes along I remember ~ Keeping following the teacher’s lead.
I wrote these words in 2016, not knowing that one whole decade later, I would release a new book, Raising Daughters. I am in awe at the work God has done in ME over the last ten years, to be able to share that raising daughters is HOLY WORK.
Preorders are available here! https://a.co/d/4KtRCVL
I come from a long line of broken mother-daughter relation- ships. My mother has walked in and out of my life for many years. I have learned the dance steps of avoidance, fear of aban- donment, and pleasing others. It wasn’t until I took a long look in the mirror two years ago that I saw where my own broken- ness was inhibiting my deep connection with my daughters. For every lie I believed about myself, I would hesitate to reach into the deep recesses of my own girls’ hearts because I couldn’t believe or see the truth of my own value or identity. I believed the lie that I wasn’t a good mom, a great mom, or a loved mom.
Distance or silence threatened my assurance that my relation- ships with my daughters were okay or secure. I feared what they thought of me or that I was always disappointing them. The chain of lies continued to affect a relationship I had invested everything into with the goal to not carry the brokenness into one more generational line. What was I missing in this pursuit? I was working so hard to be sure I didn’t repeat the patterns of broken relationships, but while doing so, I hadn’t taken the time to see where those actions were coming from.
The mirror always tells the truth, and the truth will set you free. For me to fully receive the love in these relationships I had given my life for, I had to first believe I was loved, no matter what. I found freedom when I stopped living in the fear that I would not be a perfect mom. Looking in the mirror, I had to stop waiting for my mom’s presence and remember who God created me to be.
Raising daughters is a divine gift to show them Jesus. Be the reflection of Him they see clearer than any other. We have been given a rare and amazing gift to raise the next generation, lead families in a legacy of faith, and to be called a woman of God. Let’s reclaim our mother-daughter relationships, so we can raise faith-filled daughters who can confidently know they are loved.
• A MOTHER’S REFLECTIONS
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What are my hopes and dreams for my relationship
with my daughters?
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How does being an image bearer of Christ relate to my role as a mother?
When I look in the mirror at the end of the day and my personal relationship and investments into my daughter, what do I see?
• WHAT’S A GIRL MOM TO DO?
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Discover the beauty in your own womanhood and how God delights in you. What is unique about the way He made you?
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Make a list of the fears you have about raising daughters. Are there generational lies or conflicts you need to identify and give to the Lord?
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Write a letter to yourself and address it, “Dear Daughter.” Speak truth to yourself as a daughter of Christ, loved and cherished. Encourage yourself to be open to transformation, with reminders to be an image bearer of Christ to your own girls. Pour your heart out when it comes to your fears of raising girls, your hopes and dreams for your future, and save your letter to read when you need a reminder that you are loved.
